Welcome to The Gay, Mad, Bad drug hazed life of Spike & Co.

Back again. 7 months later

2006-04-28T22:22:00.000Z

Well that was an ordeal. Richard was in hospital for 7 months. a punctured lung has made him give up smoking (for lent) like any good catholic. I meanwhile. Began my slow road to recovering the body I had when I was a model. I lost a stone and a half and built up my stomach and pecks. I am no Atlas but a body to look at in the mirror and not want to puke is something.
SO what's happened the echoing cry is heard (it's echoing because NO one reads this anymore ) well. A new year brings new problems. And a few of them. Lets start at the beginning

A tantrum, a Tissue AND twins

2005-10-27T13:24:00.000Z

Week five

“A tantrum, a tissue and Twins”

After a long evening of risqué sms’s With the James and William re-claiming his bedroom back in Suburbia locked … so he could get over David. Lloyd was also left wrapped up in a man. His father. Later that Afternoon all of us MINUS William met at the usual place we meet every week The chiquest bar in the chiquest part of the west end underneath Piccadilly.

“A heart attack really puts things into perspective,” said Richard smartly dressed in a loose Guggenheim shirt and Versace trousers. “You don’t a heart attack to appreciate life!” I said. I mean reminders are all around us!

“Oh my god” said James “Christian is about To Break out into “The Streets of London” We laughed. “How is Ian’s diabetes?” I asked “we are dealing with it “he said and Richard and I exchanged furtive glances. “Dealing with it??” asked Richard
“Yes”-said James In fact I bought him a book. He doesn’t do much reading so I thought I see to it” he passed around the book
“It is number one in the book charts Foyals” He explained Richard nodded with the nod that said, “I know”
“Men Are from Mars. …Lets Ride the Milky way"? I asked laughing, “What kind of a title is that?”
“A title that SELLS” said Richard admiring cover of two men embraced.
“Anyway I have to go” He looked around quickly us.
“John and I are seeing a therapist to try and save our relationship”

“I think that that is an important step towards recovery” I said. James smiled and stirred his Coffee examining the olive the silence was defining. I kicked him under the high table. He looked up and smiled briefly at Richard
“Yeah, good luck” He said with all the passion of a goldfish.

“What was that all about?” I said To James as we exited Matzo’s and once more came above ground. James shrugged.
“You know their relationship is beyond saving,” he said

“And your point, Dr Ruth?” I said swinging round to face him.

“Still you encourage him to go along to some therapist and talk about a helpless, hopeless and loveless relationship spends two hours and god knows how much money on basically talking about a façade.” Well that told me. Back home the words James had said stuck in my head and I couldn’t get them out. Were most of us REALLY living on a thread…A strand of a façade did we really HAVE to go off and PAY someone to “top us up” ala garage-style and make us feel good about something that probably isn’t good…. or healthy for us? Are our relationships really a tissue of lies? We keep telling ourselves Mr Right is out there waiting for us. But what if we just walk on right on by past him? What if, when the moment arises, do we just ignore him and cop off with “”Mr-Easy-Lay” instead, rather than talk to Mr right? And, also I assuming we KNOW when he appears…how? How do we know?

Could that elusive “Mr Right” REALLY be “Mr-Mistake-I-Made-Whilst-I was –Drunk –But –It’s –Turned-OK” who knows? All we could really do is what Jon and Richard were doing. Get their venire of paint and make it look good for a little while longer. And hope look, and throw our luck to fate and pray.

There was a knock at the flat door and I called out informing the person the door was open

“That’s not a wise thing to do” said The Person and entered in full uniform.

“I was just going to finish this sandwich and then I was going to take off I am meeting James before he goes off to work. I lied “Anyway Aren’t I seeing you tonight?” I walked up and gave him a kiss. He returned one “MMM are you wearing that bullet proof vest you promised?” I asked coyly and felt his rippling chest. He was. But he pulled away.

“I can’t see you tonight” he said sorrowfully.

“Why?”

“There’s trouble at the Chinese embassy” I need to be there in case anything flares up.

“What about Downing street?”

“That was last week my assignment this week is the Chinese embassy”

“Oh” I sat down flatly next to my computer The Man tried to peer over my shoulder to see what I was writing about but I put my hand on the screen and muttered inaudible words of distress

“It’s not ready,” I said “I don’t like people seeing it before it’s ready” he smiled at me. This was our second week. And things had been going pretty smoothly but I was seeing less and less of him.

Meanwhile across town James had headed straight for his computer and some “on-Line Sex” of course it didn’t take him long to find some In the shape of some Latin form as “Mr –Easy-Lay” Mr Easy lay was a real HUNK of muscle 22 and all that a James needs to have a good time. He quickly rang me and cancelled our date to go and see the latest Toby McGuire Film. It was as sad as I imagined it to be. And as boring

“You go, get conquer!” I said in short breaths as The Person, was basically doing his Quick afternoon shift to me of the very same nature. "Ding" Time up.

James quickly tidied his room up He popped his head around Ian’s door Ian was busy himself; it must have been “that time of the month” as it was a sexy American. So leaving quietly Ian, and “GI Joe” to hump away. He began to prepare. Now James approach to all this “easy sex” was very different to most of ours. He put some Vanilla in the oven. To make the flat smell nice, he also cooked bread, brought fine wine and chose a NON-Derek or Treckie DVD, usually, unfortunately with No DVD player he had to make do with finding a film on Terrestrial TV and make sure it was on…or he could quickly drive down to Kensington and borrow my DVD player. With one quick phone call and seeing as The Guy had been more than Just “quick “ in the pursuit of his carnal delights. (This I was getting used to) I said it was fine and he fetched my DVD player and chose a DVD from Blockbusters. Some kind of porn was on offer or a romantic film should the liaison take that turning.

Later on After Simon arrival:

They had seen” the Piano” drunk a bottle of Shiraz, and Both were feeling ripe for the plucking. But Simon saw the porno. Quickly he put it on. James laying naked ready for the taking. Mr Easy did take James he may have laid his body on top of James But he never laid his eyes on him. He screwed him until he had 5 consecutive orgasms and then turned the DVD off and within 5 minutes was gone. There in lies the idea of an easy lay. THERE lay a sad and unfulfilled James. James cleared the glasses away threw the bottle away and cleared up other “items” Sighed and sat down to watch Doctor who “invasion of the Darkles” in his dressing gown. But he was being watched…Ian had made his way back into the sitting room to take his insulin. Since the burglary Ian and James had hardly spoken although Ian was aware quietly that James had been top visit him in hospital after he was diagnosed with having Diabetes. They hardly spoke before. But with GI Joe gone: Now they had no chose Ian watched James carefully from the corner of the unlit room It was worse than Ian had feared James was indeed a fallen man Ian finally realised he would need to-HAD to talk James It was his duty as a friend and flatmate.

“Coffee?” He asked. The silence shattered like broken glass around the icy flat James swung round and then smiled. He shook his head

“Jesus! Thought Ian “This is going to be harder than I thought”

“New TV?” James nodded and told Ian the TV had been insured, he also informed him that the DVD player was not his but mine. The ice of silence began to form again. No one could say was not trying. He looked at the hollow figure, this really did need addressing so, and after he filled the kettle up he walked over to James

“James” he said … he was ignored “James!” James slowly turned to face Ian.

“Yes?”

“We need to talk”

Meanwhile across town in Maida Vale....
“We need to talk about what!” demanded John “for gods sake we have just seen a therapist!” Richard poured some Red wine he sighed and lit a cigarette “JOHN!

He said helplessly “Look at us!” John also poured himself a healthy glass of red wine and turned back to his boyfriend “what?”
“We need to diet. Properly” said Richard. And he meant it. John looked him blankly

“Properly” said John as if it were an alien word

“Yes, you know, salads, healthy lifestyles, Jane Fonda, you know all that.” He snapped the fridge door shut and looked at John defensively. He began to explain how he no longer fitted into any of his £1,000 suits and £500 shirts

“You might not care how that feels but I do”. To at Harvey Nichols that even their large suits on me in the changing rooms look small is an embarrassment to my whole being!”

John shrugged. Richard knew not to lose his temper as Johns temper had in the past had a KNIFE in his hand, ready to plunge into Richard so he put his case another way. “I work on TV for fuck's sake. John took Richards glass of wine he took a demure sip from it and then looked straight at Richard as he proceeded to pour the glass of wine down the sink “OK” he said after a nasty silence “let’s diet”

Back at James house:

“The business is failing,” confessed James to Ian blandly Ian was surprised to hear this, it had only been afloat a fortnight.
“Yes, I have put £30,000 into the account to save any loss and next week we are both announcing voluntary liquidation. Ian was genuinely concerned

“What are you going to then?” he asked Once again James looked at Ian and with a blank face and a lacklustre shrug he said, “Liquidate?”

Suddenly Ian had a flash of inspiration. So ok James and he MAY not exactly KNOW each other even though they had lived in the same flat for 2 years. NOW was their chance

“Let’s go into town and REALLY liquidate,” he said with a grin.

That night James and Ian Two flatmates who rarely spoke to each other, went out together for the first time. They had a night to end all nights and put James version of “a night on the tiles” to shame. Ian Proved that even with his diabetes he still knew how to have a wild time. And in his own private way he was thanking James for sticking by him whilst he had been ill. Ian introduced him to a Derek free crowd, they got drunk and then drunker still, had an E each and all James’ problems Disappeared. Funnily enough the “ecstasy” James had taken had not cured him from his depression. It was the simple fact that there was finally someone in his life that had also lost everything, and had finally noticed he was suffering. This was his cure: Ian the man who lived in the same flat, road but not the same life, had looked up and finally seen there was someone else there. James had been noticed. Ian the boy who, for two years in the room next to James was finally after so long outside, let not only into James room, as they rolled in into the flat at three am with two bottles of champagne and a pair of gooey-eyed boys on each arm…Twins no less! But finally James Had embraced his flatmate into his room and in doing so into his heart. James May have been going through a Rough Patch but Just like any friend Ian pulled him through ...to the other side,

And In Maida Vale? Richard was lying face down in a pool of blood and John who had so enjoyed the lifestyle of the rich and famous was found sentenced to five months in prison and never saw Richard again... And what of Richard in the Kitchen with a knife both in his back and proverbially. What indeed.....

No Respect For the body (and I don't just mean me)

2005-09-18T01:06:00.000Z

Week six
No respect 4 the body

this has been a strange week... in fact year. There won't be much to say this week I have been out of circulation. Phones have been ignored and here's why:
Monday I woke up... and guess what? I was deaf. Yep even as I type I can't hear a thing. My doctor sent and urgent form to the ENT at Charring cross But like so may patients in that cold dark dank place It was lost ... and quickly sent again As you can imagine I can't hear anyone on the phone so Lloyd does all the talking. All bay window and no breakfast... that's me this week The URGENT referral was not noticed to be urgent sent to the bottom of the Charring X pile ready for a doctor (AND some of them there are barely doctors) to glance over and get a member of staff to write me a letter giving me a date....
Yes, I too had lost the will to live. And to it seemed my balance as I slipped up on one of the cats toys and dislocated my knee off to A&E I somehow clicked it back in but I was given clutches and a cast.
What a mess I was
Then came disaster number three (we are on Wednesday) a huge plate fell on my toe and I was back at A&E and watched as they told my it would come off.... fully in time and I shouldn't walk.
I am in bed right now. As the pain killers made me very sick and I keep leaning over the bed... or limping to the loo and doing a "Diana"
So all in all this week is off
See you
Spike

The Uniforms of Life

2005-09-11T23:13:00.000Z

WEEK 4
the uniforms of life

John arrived back from the country the next evening and I had a deadline to meet, So I was up with the larks I left early as I could hear John and Richard having a nasty debate about the “Unspeakable in hot pursuit of the inedible”

John misquoting Oscar Wilde

…..again. It seemed John was rapidly becoming the country bumpkin. Blood Sport was his "Thang" and huntin' shootin' and fishin' was his favourite pastime

meanwhile I made my way across town, to see Ian. He was sitting up in Bed Surrounded by belated birthday cards

and flowers (People obviously didn’t know he had hey fever…and he couldn’t move..)

“How are you” I said and immediately realised the stupidness of that remark. “I bought you grapes”

“Did you know about the break-in?” asked Ian quietly

I nodded “Ian, James had a- “I paused. Would this be such a good idea? “He had MORE then just a shock, you know” I said diplomatically “I know you are ill… but don’t have too much of a

go at James..." Again I paused How do you explain to their flat mate they are now singing The star wars theme off key in the nude and off the handle....?" now do not push James… he is not coping with it very well”

“You mean the breakdown?

I was surprised “yes, if you like” and then added very quickly "he has checked in to a clinic" he smiled a tired smile. Together we sighed. I’ll be back tomorrow to see you. I said and left.
Back at home: With our brand new Kitten Addison was chasing his favourite toy. Kije never had a Paunchant for toys, he seemed to be on a totally esoteric plane. But Addison …Addison could make a toy out of anything. It was hot summer and I had bought a plastic box full of strawberries. When finished Addy’ adopted it and he made itHis......
“See-Thru-Friend for almost two years.

Lloyd couldn’t stop filming Addison who loved the camera. And loved the

attention. Things seemed to be getting back to normal. Or as normal as they could be. The shower was leaking, as was the gas cooker, the microwave was broken, I was broke and Lloyd had back ache so yes, Things were getting back to normal.

I guess the saying goes “if you are unlucky in life you’ll be lucky in love” or is it the other way around? Anyway for this moment William was a Prime example. Whilst Lloyd and I were fixing a bust shower and trying to control the leakage from both boiler and Shower. James was having a heart to R2-D2 about the meaning of life and sex at the clinic and across townRichard and John were at the Cinema watching the latest Blockbuster costing 300 doller flop of the year. They licked their lips with anticipation and enjoyed every minute of it

William cautiously ventured out again. His venture out proved to be fruitful. William discovered the Joys and pain of “first Love”

He met David at his local Suburban Pub’ there was no “eyes meeting across the crowded room” David simply asked William if he wanted another drink. William agreed and a relationship began to formulate William felt quite relieved that David did not do a “Smith and Western” on him Infact when David invited him back to his bed-sit, way after closing times as they walked along the bank of a nearby river, William didn’t need asking twice- Although I would have glanced nervously into the canal we were so precariously close to, wondering if I had picked up another psycho.
Meanwhile back at the Homebase resident things had turned from bad to worse. Now my computer was acting up. I quickly called James the computer whiz…He said he couldn't see me as it was his "me" time with The good Doctor Brockman. I rang an old friend Julian who fixed computers in a small room as a job...

“I have all my work on my computer, can you fix it”

“I will need to look at it,” said Julian truthfully I asked him over for a few drinks and handed him my hard disk drive. “Go for it “I said encouraging him to delve deep into my computers subconscious…

The phone rang it was William. I put it to my chest and told. He nodded Once again I said, “Go for it” “the likely hood of someone drawing a magnum on you TWICE is very remote “I said and then Bit my lip

“Thanx “said William unconvincingly.

Suddenly from the corner of the room came a crackle and then an Onimatipic “ZZAP” And unphased James said “you do have all your worked burnt onto cd don’t you?” I turned to face James and saw my computer smoking rather worryingly. “Call me if there’s any problem “I quickly said into the mouthpiece of the phone. Jules was coughing and so was the cat. “What did you say?” I said slowly

“I said”-coughed Jules

“It was rhetoric I said “why do you want to know if I have all my work saved… of course I don’t, that’s why I have you” There was silence apart from the occasional fizz from my computer

“What the FUCK have you done to my computer,” I yelled. Jules began to pack his bag Rather too quickly...
“Oops” he said pulling a vey nervous face.

“OOPS”? I yelled back “you give my computer a brain haemorrhage and all you can say is OOPS?” He smiled nervously and slowly put down the screwdriver.
"it's all in the learning curve. You see, it was BOUND to happen ...that ...that bang"

“Oh no you don’t" I said” I handed him back the

screwdriver” let’s turn that “oops” into “”that’s better, no more problems” And what is all this about burning my stuff to CD… I have, my game saves from “the Sims saved to CD but not my work” James looked very superciliously at me

“Well you should have done”

“Have YOU?” I enquired

“That’s not the point” Said the OBVIOUS cowboy-computer-Cad

“Exactly!” I said,” you haven’t”… Jules waved the screwdriver at me in his defence “Ahh” he said” but now, after this you can guarantee that when I get home” I could see a small smirk beginning to appear on his face…until he saw me.

“You will do” I angrily finished his sentence off for him. Suddenly the computer let out a huge bang and even James Jumped away from it. And Addison Jumped at least 2 feet in the air and made Jules scream. I faced the future…

5 years work and only my Sims saved. Again the phone Rang

“It was William, he began to relate to me what had been going on out there in"Suburbia"

Beforehand a few hours earlier in a Suburban Bed-sit, William and David had been drinking coffee and talking for 3 hours. It seemed both of them were a little embarrassed or shy. Remember it was Williams first time and as for David. Who knows what Demons he had?

he had rung James who simply said

“Just keep your wallet safe, and everything nailed down” he said dryly. And then turned his attention to the picture he was painting of princess Lyla meets Robocop and Is saved by Alein... A curous and bizarre peice of art

Across town: Richard had got the very same call only minutes earlier, He left the cinema and came out into the light of the moon into td took the call “it would be great if there was more than just John and me in a relationship” he said thoughtfully offloading and ignoring his friend’s request for a suggestion. Nice to have ANOTHER couple in our gang” he remarked

“What about Christian and Lloyd” Said william

“They are not a relationship, William! Laughed Richard “You go for it. I’ll keep my phone on if you get stranded and I will come and pick you up” I’ve seen enough of this Shitty Film. John is busy in the loo. So I’ll be at your beck and call babe.

William went back – albeit a bit nervously to David s bed-sit. And they must have sat for hours, talking; neither of them bold enough to just get up and “do it” I mean they went through every flesh-baring trick in the book. To trying on shirts to (one of my favourites) trying on each other’s Jeans. That was when the stilted conversation ran down

“You look very sexy in my jeans” Said David quietly “I-I think that you would look pretty hot without them on at all” said William much to his surprise; He took a sip of his stone cold coffee. David smiled and pulled his jeans down, slowly, Will Gleefully ripped his of; the question of whom looked sexier in whose jeans was never raised again as Hot Sexual passion ensued almost immediately. William had been waiting a long time to experience sex on a scale…Well on a scale as you can’t count his brush in with a terriorist as anything more than bad luck

Stripped naked David slowly entered William and together they had the best sex William would have for a long time. They both came four times that night/morning. And if that wasn’t enough David made William breakfast in the morning and EVEN asked if he as free that day!

It was days before any of us saw or heard from William again. And given his past record think we had reason to be concerned

At the coffee house on a Rainy Thursday Afternoon. I had just bought a fabulous pair of trousers and a shirt to co-ordinate. Richard was having stress at work and so had joined me. We rang James, and he fled the flat of desperatasion. We were half way through our soirée together when in waltzes William

“I am in love,” he announced

“Good for you” said Richard, but I was more cautious “William you have only known him for-“

“What does time matter when two people are in love? Time has no function” James rolled his eyes “make sure you keep everything bolted down if you invite him back to your place” I continued, knowing full well James knew William lived at home.

“It’s just that LOVE I a big word, sweetie”

“Richard tucked into his fried breakfast, “how is the sex?”

“Amazing” William said perkily. And sat down beside him 6 envious eyes looked upon this 18 year old. William eagerly carried on “And he was so gentle with me” and in the mornings he made breakfast for me everyday…. I wish you James’s could meet him”

A wicked smile came across Richards face (half a fried egg also spilled down his Hackett’s tie, but who’s counting) “Well, I for one would love to meet him” He continued whilst we all watched the egg drip down his tie in bewilderment

“It’s Johns Party next week, Bring him along, And Christian you bring Lloyd” I smiled “wryly” Lloyd is out of town” I replied

“But I’ll bring The Policeman along”

The Policeman was a breath of fresh air I had led a life now for almost two months free of sex-and then out of nowhere via “gaydarsville” came a James For the first time times we met I couldn’t for love nor anal sex get his name, I found out much later The Policeman’s’ name was also Lloyd. So The Policeman and later just “Force” became his nickname due to his job and sexual ways. So I called him, He was a policeman, something new for me, and he was smart and good in bed to go with it! A rarity. I must admit. I COULD have fallen in love with this James but something was stopping me. About a week later The Policeman wanted to come around and have sex again. I was Busy installing the Sims again, because James had fucked up my computer and so, having nothing better to do, I said “yes,”

He only turned up in Football gear, the last time. I mean I like a uniform as much as he next James…But How I longed to see him in the Uniform He wore outside Downing street (That was his beat) Anyway I opened a bottle of Shiraz and let it breath, Justas I was breathing life back into my poor Sims, and we had sex, Him dressed as a footballer.

“Tell him you like his uniform!” said Lloyd over the phone

“But that is so clichéd” I said remorsefully, I took a gulp of some of the wine left over. “Not to mention the fact that EVERY James he sees probably asks him the same thing,” I poured another glass. For some reason the Sims weren’t loading.

“Anyway” I said to James “And he put one on”

“He did!”

“Yes, and emotional one” James sniggered down the telephone “what?”

“Are you falling for him or his uniform and the fact that he a policeman?” he asked auspiciously. I hesitated. And was quickly reminded of one of my 15 rules of Love

Number 8) Never, fall in love with either linen or nylon. The Policeman was a sexy James, Safe and ….He wanted to have sex with David Beckham. I realised I was in a state, the Sims had refused to come back to life I was half drunk and The Policeman was due round any minute, As I hovered over my next glass of wine, my thought turned to lovers.

If we live out our private fantasies, why therefore are we not so eager to do the same for them, when THEY ask?” After all isn’t sex and relationships all about “give and take”?

More pressing issues were on my mind, for me to sum up how I was by10pm is easy. I was pissed. Trouble was last time The Policeman came over at 4am I was pissed too. Singing FULL brawl to Jim Morrison, Including Light my fire and other family favourites. All The Policeman could do then was look on in horror and bewilderment. May James was right; maybe I am an untamed animal.

As it turned out. The Policeman came along in full Policeman’s uniform and was quite happy to have sex in it. So when he dressed, left, and reclaimed his beat, not only in stride I began to wonder, was the fear of not being myself during sex. Or the fear that I might enjoy myself as “someone else,” To be short are we all just playing out a different role in sex and in the work environment? Or is the misplaced uniform or area (like the table in the office, with the blinds down) a twilight of fractured out of time and place experiences?

Meanwhile across town David and William were also at it like Rabbits they both got drunk, drunker and …finally paralytic … and with in the alcoholic haze they became boyfriends. William was to move out of Suburbia and into David’s Swish Kensington Church Street. And so coat in hand William made his way home to tell his parents A) he was Gay and B) he was moving out.

All night long The Policeman text me with love messages on how good the sex was and how much I will not regret saying, “yes” to him. I cuddled up into my duvet smiling and holding onto my mobile. Having a boyfriend WAS a good thing having a policeman who watches the PM was an EVEN better thing.

Meanwhile whilst The Policeman was outside 10 Downing street (I kid you not) sending me naughty text messages and phone pictures. The phone went. Lloyd sat up in bed. He turned the light on and looked at me I was as surprised as he was I shook my head and Lloyd answered the Phone. He had a nasty shock. His father had had a heart attack and it did not look too good. And talking about not being” too good” I was too find out I was “not too good” at the sympathy field: I tried to lighten it… sympathise, empathise, and recognise, his worry, but it was no good…. And neither was I. I mean I REALLY stunk. Lloyd needed none of my badly formed efforts. Not then and not from me. He needed to talk to someone who was able to understand his pain. I was a stumbling fool and I stumbled metaphorically into the bedroom leaving Lloyd with Metaphorical troublesome Baggage and his suitcase.

Talking of baggage William left Suburbia and its dog’s suitcase in hand and made his way to butlers wharf. I awoke that cold May morning and Lloyd had gone up to Yorkshire and left a short message. Whilst The Policeman had left about 15 sms-es!

Finally cold but with a shiver of excitement William arrived at his destination. He rang the doorbell on the oak panel. No answer. Then he rang again. Finally there was movement. William licked his lips in anticipation to give David a Kiss as soon as he opened the door. The door opened slowly to a figured wrapped in a sheet ala Toga and they squinted at the sunlight.

“David I think your brother has turned up” Said a VERY female voice. There was a scramble for the door immediately and David was there in a pair of Boxers

“H-hi” he said shakily. Williams' mouth went dry and he swallowed. Or tried to it was like Arizona on a hot afternoon in Williams' mouth right now. The girl smiled and Held her hand out

“Hello” she said, “I’m David’s Fiancé Rebecca I suppose you must have come up from Surry to come to the wedding. Did you go to David’s Stag night? No don’t want to know I suppose you hand a stripper and all shoved £5 notes down her knickers!” she giggled

“Yes,” said William finally “something likes that. Or just as humiliating”

Rebecca smiled “well I am sure I will see you at the wedding this afternoon. Do you want to leave your suitcase here?” David stepped forward

“No” he said “I have booked him into the local hotel” “Becky, honey why don’t you get ready you’re not even meant to be here!” he laughed.

He turned to William Looked briefly at him and said “sorry, goodbye” and closed his door not only William but on Williams hopes of freedom and dreams of a better life

To conclude. As I sat in my flat waiting top hear from Lloyd and the state of health of his father. David began top change into morning suit; The Policeman was getting changed from his uniform. William had lost his apparel of confidence as he made his way back to suburbia. I thought about everything.

Within a week I had developed a relationship with the force, allowed a bit of force. Faced my fear of Role-playing only to find out that THAT is all it is…ROLE-playing. There are many more people wearing so-called “Uniforms that cause much more Damage. David’s “uniform” of what William needed to see was not real and would cause a lot of heart ache and how long would it be before Rebecca found the buttons to hi Bisexuality? And undo the Long coat of heterosexuality David wore Night and day?

The Policeman had shown me there were still people in the world that do still respect you for WHO you are. He had restored my faith in men. And equally William had seen the downside of the homosapian and found himself, thanx to one thoughtless mean and downright unkind bastard more alone in his life then he EVER was before. The Yin and Yan of our life. And for once I was on the WHITE side. And for the first time of many William received the black side.

The nightmare of the getting out to get in with the “in” Crowd

2005-09-04T18:46:00.000Z

Week Three

“The nightmare of the getting out to get in with the “in-and out” Crowd”

Like any Healthy London Boy I like to party with the best of them. I still had a figure and I kind of had the attitude to match. And as luck would have it and old friend of mine from Drama College was having a “retro” warehouse party just outside London. And I, plus Guest was invited. I decided that aforementioned Guest would be James, who definitely needed cheering up. Since the burglary James had been even more drawn back into his dark life than before. He had rarely spoken to any of us during that week and had Not even told Ian about the Break-in when he visited Ian in Hospital. I hoped this Party would bring him a little more out into Thepositive and hopeful world, and help him forget about his problems even if it was only for a short either drug induced or alcohol supplied evening.
“I mean that’s when you know you’re really getting on,” said Richard at our usual lunch at The Pacific.
“I am not getting on,” I said, laughing “what do you mean?”
“When you get invited to an (air quotes) Retro Party and you look forward to it”, he smirked. “William is going, too,” I protested.
“Yeah, but you are looking forward to it for all the wrong reasons.” Richard laughed, wickedly. William listened attentively and James was, as usual, silent, like a perching secretary bird,pursed lips and peirced eyes peering over his frameless glasses.

“You are going in the vain hope you can re-live those heady days of the 80’s” Richard said in a mocking fashion. I looked at William. He shrugged back.
“I don’t even know why you’re going, William" James said making us all jump "You weren’t even born when this lot were running around with big shoulders, bad mullets and bleached tips”
“I just want to see what all the fuss was about back then. What’s a mullet?” he said quietly. We all smiled
“I don’t think you’re helping us feel youthful and gay,” I said giggling. We fell silent and looked almost in synch at James.
“Are you looking forward to getting your glad-rags out?” asked William. James sighed.
“I guess so,” he said. with no feeling at all. I ordered another round of drinks all round and changed the subject quickly. Ever since his “emotional display” as he had called it, James had been very subdued.

I understood that.

He had shown a side of him that even he didn’t know about. It had made him feel more human, and less of a Dalek.

“I shall wear my Smiley T-Shirt with pride” I said to Richard.
“Your what?” asked William. Richard and I sighed and glared disapprovingly at William “ACIIEEEED!” we screamed together, making both William and James jump at the same time, knocking the four bottles of drink over all at once, and grabbing the attention of most of The Pacific, too. Richard had been invited to go to this bash too. So I went around to his house. John was away in the country. And Richard was trying to dig out something “warehouse-y” I appeared in my day-glow smiley face t-shirt, red bandanna. Florescent tube around my neck and ripped baggy jeans. I looked like I had just walked out of the time tunnel and the date was 1988.
“You look wasted,” said Richard “and the evening hasn’t even begun” With both shared a couple of LONG lines of

cocaine and then I laughed.

“Champagne?” he asked, I nodded. “Where’s James” I told Richard about James: It appeared James Had omited to tell Ian whilst Ian was in hospital that all their belongs were being scattered over London. Yes, Ian had to be taken to Hospital the night of the party to have his stomach pumped…
And James ASLO it seemed left it a little bit too late, to tell Ian:
An arrived home to an empty and I mean EMPTY flat. He was already having to change his life radicaly, (His docter informing him he was diabetic) He handled it very well. Got a taxi home... armed with needles and a sugar level measuring kit to a pale and wan faced James... then looked to where the tv was looked back at James. Yes, Just as it had taken James a while to realise half of his sitting room was missing it did so with Ian too. When he realised what was gone he promptly collapsed and was rushed BACK into hospital. and put on a drip and "watched over" James called me from his cell phone “I can’t make it tonight” he said with all the feeling of a carrot
“Why?” I asked
“Ian is very ill… And I don’t think I should leave him alone” He told me about Ian’s new-found illness and I agreed.

So all dressed up I the style ala 1988 Richard and I agreed the two of us and a "retro" do was no fun. We would stay at his flat and we decided to catch up on what we had missed over the last few years apart. There were four bottles of champagne consumed that night. Richard didn’t once attack the fridge and he smoked just as much as before. I must confess I even had a drag or two. Just like the old times. We reminisced in a way we had never been able to before. In short we realised time HAD moved on. Admittedly I was still 23 in my mind; Richard had not only expanded his waistline. His mind and home life was much more secure than mine. Infact we got on so well that night. And got so drunk we decided to do what most good looking well to do homosexual does at one time or another: we hired out an escort for the night; becouse we are “worth it” We were Young-ish relative attractive and because of the champagne and coke very giggly. It was forgone conclusions that this piece of meat we were hiring us out would make us feeling even better about ourselves, flatter us and, personally I hoped It would make me feel even younger. To Richard all he needed was to feel important. We waited for the meat to arrive. And finally he did: A real Muscle Mary. Richard caught my arm and asked if he could have 10 minutes upstairs alone with him… I agreed. I was left listening to soft techno. On the white sofa downstairs. I dread to think what the rent boy thought of our attire. So Richard and “Andy” were left to play for the aforementioned 10 minutes I was ok about that as I really was in no mood to play. My hair had just been re-dyed “cosmic Blue” and it needed cutting badly so I wore a floppy hat covered in buttons from the 80's to cover the bad hair

The 10 minutes went into 20.

And moved silently onto 30 I kept quiet and lay on the sofa. Soon the grunts and the noses of sex finished. I did nothing the thought of having sex with Richards Escort suddenly didn’t seem such a good idea. I thought about the “10 minute scenario” it seemed clear that was Richards way of saying
“This is mine, and mine to the end” I began to burn from the inside. The familiar sound of Velcro and zips could be heard, and then the toilet flushed. Then Richard called down to me “Are you coming up?” I hadn’t decided yet. Curiosity got the better of me. I made my way upstairs. Richard was giving the Escort a blowjob and the escort was pulling at his nipples…as soon as I lay beside him he forced my mouth onto his nipples. As I lay there I came to a few realisations. In short 3soms are always a refreshing change, and can even be amazing. But in the Long sessions someone is always short-changed. It’s a fact of Sex and Life On this occasion it happened to be me…He was 32 and made me feel young…just like I had hoped. But here is the difference…. I felt young …Good…. but it carried on: I got younger and younger …Soon I was treated like a 17 year old Not bad you might think…. but NOW I felt like I was the whore being hired out. and then left out...did they not know the rules of threesomes? And I really had re-established the fact that it was US that had rented “Andy” out. There were no multiple orgasms. I would have settled with one, No fire, and defiantly no sparks, just that air of making you want to say “So?” Richard came in seconds I did not even come close; and “Andy” was slipping his underwear on before Richard could say .......

“cigarette”

For me it was quick and simple…kind of like “Andy” But also. Once again like Andy it was not only unsatisfactory, it was a waste of

money too. . I couldn’t help but wonder as I lay in the bed next to my oldest friend, no where near the wet patch being seen as younger is a plus for sure…. But the trouble that goes hand in glove with it this is that No one whist you are treated like this, are going to treat you like the adult you really are. Do we, the buyers, the purveyors of the people that hire or rent or even have on long term lease. Do we do this out of a need for security? Or is it that we just need to feel that power that says I am better then you because I can hire you out to do my bidding. And that power we get is short. Is it really worth it; for those, oh so brief seconds? In short Who is the winner of the power game of life. The givers. Like Richard giving Andy £200 or the takers Like Andy taking the money and vanishing. Who won that round? No one because at the end of the day. Be us black white rent or hire we all want the same thing. To be noticed whist we are alive and not dead when we are living.

Anyway

More later

Week Two : To Love and lose is NOT better then never to love and abuse

2005-08-28T17:07:00.000Z

Week two

“To Love and lose is

NOT better then

to love and abuse”

I was so overjoyed at my life-affirming results from the hospital that I didn’t stop to think that in the classier, uptown part of Maida Vale the Glitterballgate affair might have had serious repercussions. The hard fact is that Richard’s entire social status teetered on a slippery and sometimes quite slimey edge, and it appeared that this wasn’t the first time John had come close to knocking him over that edge with his bizarre and unhelpful behaviour, especially at socially crucial events.

After a very humiliated Richard (and the blithely oblivious John) had left the fashion launch in his immaculate-but-drenched Prada suit, more had happened…

That night he and John were at each other’s throats like two demented sumo wrestlers in glitter and Armani. The scene in their sitting room looked like a cross between a wet T-shirt fight and a wobbly Disco-ball.

“Do you realise how Fucking important this launch party is for me?”

“Was” corrected John. That was not a good move. Richard peeled off his wet

suit, and John, the once Adonis-like model, squeezed out of the Sparkly Drawers. To Richard's surprise and shock he saw something…

“A corset?” he screamed at John.

“It’s just until I begin my diet” John snapped back at Richard.

“And how is this... corset?” asked Richard, more out of curiosity than anger.

“It makes me Fart and I can’t breathe properly” said John, promptly farting on cue.

“So why the HELL did you have to wear it to Françoise’s launch party?” shrieked the incredulous Richard.

John, of course, had no good reply to this - he merely glared at Richard in a "strange way". He knew that whatever he said at this stage wouldn't be heard. Had Richard been telepathic, he

could have taken his choice from any of the following reasons which John was screaming quietly inside his head:

A) “Can’t you tell? I am one of a pair of Graf
Zeppelin's!”

B)“Demise Roussos looks like Karen Carpenter

next to me”

C)“Why can’t I be worshipped by men and women like before?”

Had I had been there I would have happily answered John’s questions… I would have told him he ate too much, drank too much, did little or no exercise and did class A,B and C drugs to excess. Maybe the bitter side of me would have also sniped “Yes, you were far too pretty when you were younger, and way too head over heels in love with yourself to even notice Richard’s nervous breakdown, and now you are paying the price. In a nutshell, John, it's only natural

justice that when you sunbathe, passers-by shout out comments about the Preservation of rare mammals”…

All this, of course, went unsaid, as, luckily for us all I was

out celebrating my newly discovered HIV negative persona.

As I celebrated, Richard paced up and down the length of his £500,000 house. (Note I said HIS.)

As I have previously mentioned, since his retirement from modelling John had basically done nothing with his life. His early attempts at Interior Design and Decorating ended promptly when a very valuable Domiegaro Paperweight (with the usual silver snowdrops and a backdrop setting of the Virginia plains) mysteriously disappeared from his fourth client's Reception Room and reappeared in Richard’s house… as had many other high-value objects from the previous three clients.

John was not only helping his clients out with their soft-furnishings; he was helping himself as well, and in the process redecorating his own nest.

Back to the present day ….

“Maybe we should look at this whole issue in more depth,” said Richard at last, pouring two glasses of red wine. John looked quizzically over at his lover.

“What issues?” he asked slowly. Richard walked over, glasses in hand, and sat on the sofa, next to the discarded (and substantially stressed) corset.

“I think, John,” he said slowly "I think we both need a break.”

"Oooh!" John thought “Aspen!”

Richard meant “Champneys”

“Mmm. Skiing” daydreamed John... not that he could ski. Richard threw a viscious glance over in John's direction as John poured himself another over-sized glass full of the over-priced wine. (Even as I write this, I really can't visualise one of the Four Tenors -Pavarotti, to be more precise - in spangly hot-pants, pissed as a newt, careering down a mountainside on a pair of skis, like an Attention-Seeking Missile!)

“Champneys, John. We're going to Champneys. We need to de-tox,” he said, and with that declaration they began their diets.

Meanwhile, in uptown Islington, James was having issues of his own. He was in the middle of clearing the vomit off the balcony leading off his flat. It was his flatmate, Ian's Birthday and Ian

had thrown a party…

but it appeared that was not the only thing he had thrown, proof of which was all over the balcony. The phone rang and

Ian (Richard Chunk blowing Flatmate) was handed over to the lovely Darren. Whilst James answered the phone. It was

his mother.

Now, James had never got on with his mother. It was apparently one of those un-written GAY
laws that you ALWAYS get on with your
mother…

but not James. In fact James really didn’t get on with his
family at all. His brother Stephen still lived at home at
31 years of age, stayed inside his room, and being male was caught masturbating more often then he really wanted to be. But with TV video and a remote control all in him bedroom… Stephen could only resist so much. The WEIRD part was although his Mother had caught him spanking his over-zealous monkey at least six times. She still never knocked before she went into his room, with his late night cocoa; I mean there was defiantly something Freud would have to say about that. Oedipus springs to mind.

James’s Mother had rung to find out if Ian’s Party was going.

“…All the way?”

“I’m leaving the Ministry of sound” Announced James

“You can’t “his mother replied. That was not a request that was an order.

“I have to” said James in the same tone. This was true, the smoky basement of the nightclub,

the sacrifices and those “damn servers” were proving too much. James had developed a “tickly

cough”… amongst other things

“I’m branching out “He continued Clair was Silent at the other end of the phone… This would mean “security” would be breached James would no longer be in a 9-5 something she did not like-NO STRUCTURE.

“A friend and I are going into our own business”.

His mother repeated her last statement:

Meanwhile
Ian had just finished emptying his stomach and was suddenly feeling a lot better… so the lovely Darren took him to the kitchen where he proceeded to smoke a joint and drink some kind of Alcohol.
As I say, James really did need to leave work; his health not to mention his sex life was

suffering. I myself had gone through six

months of my own suffering (the HIV problem) I had had a tortuous time during the period of grace where I had to wait-n- see
Everyone around me had suffered my change in manner too… I had made sure of it… but I omitted to tell them why. Well I wasn’t being held at gunpoint.

It is not the best choice of words but it brings me

neatly to William that night. Whilst John and Richard no longer fussed and worried about their size and Ian no longer worried about anything and James tried to make his Mother understand He needed to get away. William had decided to go out and “pick a Guy up” well, we all begin somewhere.

So that night He put on his best sweater (not to look too gay) did his hair and 4 hours later emerged from his bedroom looking roughly the same as he did when he began. But he felt a

Million $$ now, He may have felt inwardly a million dollars but out worldly he was carrying bout £25. But at 19 you don’t even need to bring that much into Soho. All your drinks are bought for you. I would have told him all this if I had known he was going out, but my cat “Kije” a chocolate brown Siamese had developed a lump inside his nose and it was weeping. He also developed Water on the lungs and a failing liver. He was shved on a drip and in a cage. Lloyd and I were very Upset by Kije's sudden downfall... and it didn't look like Kije would be with me for much

longer Waiting to see him agin we sat in silance in the waiting room (which looked vaguely like the Island of Dr Moreau, or Mengele, had secretly had on the side) Then-what seemed like an eternity of wait. No one was going to interrupt us. I mean the vet had hinted at a Tumour for Gods sake.

Anyway that was my reason for turning my mobile off… James had taken Ian to the Hospital to buy him a new stomach lining or something.

Finaly lloyd and I were seen The Vet looked upset. It appeared he was very ill…

We were given the option of a painless death of a very much loved only 11 year old family member or to wait over the weekend and see if the Docter could help at all. It was a painfull desision but we saw HIS pain and felt him losing the will to live. As his eyes clouded over with his next attack from the tumor we agreed to euthanaisia. I held Kije's paw as The cat became a peice of fur with bones on and all the life had left him. I am not ashamed to say I cried.And I will not put any pictures up of him on this Diary his last moments Lloyd took of us remain unseen To show them here would be tacky and I am not a teenager. In a cage with fur shaved off and on a drip is not a way to remember him. Funny thing is We were called the next day out of the blue by the breeder who asked if we were interested in purchasing another havana thoughour-bred kitten. Without hesitation I said Yes. And four painful days later James drove me to Pick up Addison the new Cat in our life and NOTHING like Kije. This thing is mad and Beautiful. That

coincidence? Or fate?

Meanwhile, across town: That day

Richard and John were busy browsing over glossy, over priced over the top magazines advertising overweight and over indulgent people to come forward and give THEM their money

NOT MacDonald’s. The phone rang. It was William.

But somehow… all that obesity, had made John and Richard feel decidedly slim and JUST as Richard reached across to pick up; the phone he heard the familiar “ZIPP” of Johns flies coming undone that was an ISSUE Richard couldn’t ignore.

And he was seduced

William switched off his mobile “no-one seems to be home” he said He had been in town 15 minutes and had caught the attention of a very attractive man, The pleasantries of small talk were-motioned through- and fifteen

minutes later William was back at the mans flat, flat on his back and ripe for a good Fucking

“Have you ever been to Ireland?” said his partner in a smooth Irish drawl. William paused; He had to think as his mind was really elsewhere.

“Umm once on a school trip” He felt the Irish mans crotch. Boy! This Guy was hard he tried to massage the Guys dick, yep, he had a stiffy ok…But also, and more worryingly his “stiffy” had a trigger and was metal William screamed like a 5 year old girl and pounced back up the bed pulling the sheet over his torso

“What the FUCK is that?” he shrieked

“It’s a gun”

“I know it’s a gun! What the hell is it doing down there?” the man removed

his .38 and smiled at the petrified William.

“There “he said in his soft Irish brogue. “It’s gone” he smiled “Cocked too” he said. William was not amused. He said stiffly: ”Oh well!! That is so re-assuring”

“I think” began the man reaching over to stoke William, “I think…”

Suddenly there was a loud banging at the James’s door

“Flanagan” came a voice of authority “we know your in there, now come on out”

“SHIT” cursed Flanagan. “Now the Shit's really hit the fan”

“You don’t say?” snarled William

“Get dressed” well, William didn’t need telling twice. But then the idea that would have come sooner or later to hit Flanagan’s mind

“I have a hostage,” He shouted at the door. William froze

“What?” came a reply “are you kidding” Obviously the law did not believe Flanagan.

“Speak” ordered Flanagan

“What?””

“Speak” William swallowed; his throat was suddenly very dry.

“Hello” he said” hoarsely am only visiting, Infact I am getting dress-“Flanagan put his hand over Williams mouth “are you mad?” he glared at William. And then grabbed his weapon. William rolled his eyes.

“Move away from the door” said the police. It was obvious Flanagan was wanted for something but brains were something he was in need of… He began to perspire.”No.no YOU move away”

he stuttered “I have a gun and I will shoot your Fucking hand off if you try and open this door” not quite realising that that would in itself open the door thought William

“What about the boy?” Flanagan signalled with his gun to William to put on his clothes

“The boy is fine, for now”

“For now?” Mouthed a shocked William. Flanagan tried to shut William up with hand gestures.

It was then that William realised today was the wrong day to be wearing his

“Tinky-Winky” underwear

was a huge mistake they were too tight for one thing and
somehow he had managed to put
both legs into one leg hole. And…

… What happened next really should be explained in slow motion
Losing his balance will’ lunged forward and fell straight onto Flanagan, whom much to the surprise of both Will’ and the office behind the door screamed more like a little girl than William did. The gun in Flanagan’s hand went off and shot a bullet into the door, Flanagan too lost his balance and fell over dropping the gun. There was a scramble for the gun and much to Williams surprise William got it he waved it in front of Flanagan

“I am very, very nervous” he warned Flanagan. The door was smashed open by the Law, and almost instant anxiously William fired a shot and smashed the Huge Butlers Wharf window into smithereens

“Oops” said William and dropped the gun

“Its ok son,” said the policeman handing William his trousers’ “you’re safe now”

It turned out. William had chosen as his “first” sexual partner a member of the IRA. And this member had now been captured.

William went home after three hours at the police station. His parents came to collect him, she said nothing and William said nothing either. They were silent on the drive home to Suburbia. But before he got out the car his mother put her hand on his arm

“We love you,” She said and added "Even if you are homosexual. Try not to make it the death of you. Your father will never mention this and I should imagine you want to put all this behind you too. Remember William. We all only have one life”

And so it transpired William first date was at gun point, my only question would have been how on earth did he find the courage to go out and do It all (minus the gun) again. Needless to say he did.

Flanagan was quickly drafted off to a prison Back in Ireland where he found five boyfriends and adopted the nickname “Snookles” And still received letters from William!

... James had the pleasure all of us have at some point in our lives:

the joy of cleaning up the flat AFTER the party.

He returned to the flat after leaving Ian at Chelsea and Westminster (at least it looked like their flat) there was the stench of cigarettes and burnt carpet, vomit and scotch eggs the scattered and deflated balloons reflected exactly how James felt. What a night! Well despite James’ inner anal retentive need to get the hell on and clean up he decided to grab a

quick “up to the minute” Ceefax news page on the TV. As usual the RC was playing hide and seek Then James realised the remote control wasn’t the only one playing. Namely the TV, the Hi-Fi about 40 books 60 CD's 20 Dad’s and a Bonsai tree called “Charlene” In one word. Well four: James had been burgled

“Oh my god!” I said I had Richard who had come around to my flat when he heard Kije was dead. He was trying his very best to make designer Rabbit food into something resembling a salad. I turned round to have more privacy on my ‘Cell

“What is it?” called Richard from across the sofa (well why else would I be making salad?)

“James has been burgled” I informed Richard.

“JAMES hasn’t lost his sense of hearing “snapped James back

“Who is it that you are informing about my loss?” Said James almost on the verge of cryiong (god forbid)

“It’s only Richard,” I said

“ONLY Richard” Barked Richard I held him at arms length

“Of course we will be right over”

“Right over? Over where? When? Huh?” said Lloyd from The leather chair. After The death of Kije he had taken one of my Tranquillisers and was really not used to them.

“It’s ok darling “I said and kneeled down and kissed him on the forehead “Richard and I are just popping out for a short walk”
" are we?” said Richard I gritted my teeth and nodded then I pointed to the squiddgy tomatoes

and limp lettuce sitting sadly on the counter in the kitchen that he had attempted to changeand then looked meaningfully back at Richard.
“Oh yes” he said suddenly “off out now” I guess faced with a domestic
trauma or Richards cooking there was no contest.

I jotted down a quick letter and turned my mobile on. Then Richard and I jumped into a cab and made our way to Islington.

When we arrived the flat was no more of a mess then James was. It was one of those rare times James had been near his “real” emotions and to him it was uncharted territory

“I was going to tidy up but” his voice dwindled off. He slumped and put his elbow into a cucumber dip. Richard homed into the Party snacks James stopped him when he saw what he was doing
“What” said Richard taking a healthy portion of avocado dip on a taco? “It’s only going to go to waste”

“No” said James defiantly. Richard ignored him

“Darren puked over that table” he said “that’s not avocado dip” it was only seconds before Richard was doing an action replay down James Loo.

“Leave him,” I said smiling at James pale face “it worked for Diana” He smiled too. But it was only brief

“What am I going to do?” he said mournfully “I leave my Job next week, how am I going to replace all this stuff?”

“Have you any idea who did this?” I said slowly. James threw me a look “It wasn’t Pierre” he said defiantly “Pierre has gone to see his X boyfriend in Canterbury” he said to Richard.

“But still”

“Still nothing” said James. “I told you he was on a train last night I can hardly see him going unnoticed with a Hi Fi a TV and forty books and numerous CD’s “

“And Charlene” I said smiling

“Besides which you have probably phoned his X to find out if he was there” Added Richard pouring himself a glass of water. The fixed, silent look James gave Richard said it all.

So be fore James DID say it all I said

“OK we’ll get this place tidied up at least” Richard nodded and immediately began to clean up. Then we will see about the recovery off all that stuff.

Suddenly and without warning James just burst into tears and didn’t stop for two hours. We all had seen it coming we just didn’t know when or where.

Getting over the loss of anything is it human, animal or material is never easy. Some people like Lloyd just fill themselves up on tranqs’ others just shut their emotions away. But soon the damn of emotion breaks. As I say, Kije was going to be fine he had a cold, nothing more nothing less but if we had not taken him to the Vets and got him the proper medication he could have died. A simple course of antibiotics saw to his recovery. But what antibiotics could James take? The final brick in his emotional damn had been broken and the floodgates had let rip. The fact that

he had been seeing a kleptomaniac, that he had a mother that did not understand him, and now no Job, no possessions had been all emotions that had been suppressed, and finally it had reached the stage in James’ mind where there were there were no more pigeon holes left.

Just like the vomit on Ian’s Polo shirt: it all comes out; the question is: When we are confronted by all this emotion are we ready for it? Or, like James, as he sat amongst the deflated balloons and paper dishes, are we just one more step closer to that inevitable breakdown?

more later

ADDISON

OK folk's here is a list of the Players... Intro's and a cute picture of me

2005-08-22T23:50:00.000Z

Prelude

Hi, let me introduce myself. My name is Christian, (Spike to my Family and friends) and I am a Young(ish) Writer. I suppose you could label me as a Young Gay Writer, since I am definitely, undisputedly gay - but don't let that put you off. As if it would. This was turning into a book so I thought why not JUST put your life on "the line"

I have been living and working in London now for over a decade, having made my glorious break for freedom as soon as possible after hastily completing my somewhatbewilderingn at the hands of a small-but-perfectly-scandalous boy's boarding school deep in the middle-classembrace of the leafy Hertfordshire countryside. My favoritete singer is a

little known singer called Melanie Don't worry I will not be telling you trivia like that all the time this is a raw week by week account of my life here in London - & I mean Raw account I will give out also links that you may never have seen like this one here

I have a long-term lover, Lloyd, who is unable, as it were, to go all the way. In fact he has trouble even going half the way!. For a long time I subconsciously blamed myself for this tragic situation, but several paranoid years, three Dicks (private detectives to you) and

hundreds of cunning little tests and trick-questions later, we all had to finally agree that Lloyd is officially impotent, which made the two of us sit down and discuss our relationship at length. I love him, he loves me. I needed sex, he did not, and so we agreed that I was permitted to have other liaisons.

Like most people I have made many friends and the occasional enemy over the years. You know how it goes - people come and people go in little shoals randomly moving in and out of your life as each follows their own destinies, and over a long period of time my closest circle of friends has really been whittled down to three people - three loyal, close and utterly trustworthy friends for whom I would walk backwards over a pit of molten glass for, and who I meet once a week for lunch, supper or a drink in Soho at The "Pacific" a gay bar in the West End, The Pacific is a place where the sexuality and individuality blend into one crowd of people of mixed hearts, desires and orientations. Built in a huge complex under Piccadilly, My friends
are a crucial part of my life, and this is all about my life and their loves. My name is Christian or Spike... and this is my story.

INTRODUCTION

More of an introduction to the Friends I will be talking about, starting with Richard. The same age as me, Richard has been my friend since boarding school, so we are pretty close. He works for Moon TV as a style-writer and, lately, a presenter, albeit only a small-time presenter on a small-time show But hey! Its work.
Before Television, Richard used to be assistant editor at a Fashion & Style Monthly Mag', He was a bigshot in the prestigious Fashion Industry He typically led the Highlife at a thousand lines an hour(some of them white) and paid a HIGH price and Richard is no longer the chiselled man with black hair and misty blue eyes More demiss rousos in a suit . He was in trouble at one time when he was perscribed

RED and green tablets to sort out his schizophrenia- but they were never taken by hime (by either of them)

We therefore had a few years of "grace" apart Whilst Richard rolled from one cushy pay-cheque to the next Now we are back as close as we were; before Richard's problem and he even has the "essential" boyfriend accessory called John and a lovely
house in Maida Vale. Well. I guess its lovely I have never been there. Not At the
beginning of the Year anyway But that's another story. Richard is once more back in my life although monogamy is not another belief as high on his agenda as his Full Red Blooded rampant health is his Catholicism is. Need I say more?

Now Onto William, the baby of the bunch 18 and extremely intelligent and single. And is re-sitting his A levels (all 5 of them) His ability to organise a great party right down to the
Bloody Marys at the "Vampires and Virgins" bash before Christmas is unprecedented. With his tall lanky looks and his long blond hair I always thought that William would be come a model but he had other ideas. Not quite out to his mother and father with whom he lives in darkest

suburbia with his parents.

One of Williams Vampires and Virgins Parties

James.

...James

is in short a Genius. Another blond but with a very middle class Eaton crop He is prim & proper and has a pigeon hole for every emotion he exerted little emotion about anything or anyone. That too was all about to change. He worked Underground the ministry of Sound
a nightclub where he works as the Chief Technology officer. He had left the nightclub twice only to return with a higher pay check.

Ok here we go THIS week alot happened....

WEEK ONE

"All that glistens is not glitter"

It all began this week. As he frequently does, Richard called me earlier to watch a movie on TV with him over the phone, which always turned into a hilarious bitch-fest. But I had plans of a
darker nature... You see: like every socially active gay male of a certain age I am constantly aware of the ever-present spectre of the big "A" No, not age, although I do lie wake at night fretting about my psychosomatic wrinkles, and spend hours tugging and prodding at my chin in front of the shaving mirror looking nervously for the very first hint of the fleshy wobble which inevitably precedes the dreaded double chin, followed (obviously) by turkey wattles, liver-spots and wildly sprouting nose-hairs

No, I mean AIDS. I had abandoned the last Men’s Sexual Health clinic I had been attending, all thanks to Brünhilde, the unfriendly (and definitely judgemental) German health counsellor who went to great lengths to criticise and make me feel guilty about having a test so frequently. I don’t know where they found her, but it was clear to me that she intensely disliked anyone who was getting sex on a regular basis. Especially men.

So I abandoned

Brünhilde-mit-der-chip-on-each-shoulder and I found a walk-in clinic in Chelsea St Stevens r

un by properly trained health-care professionals, where I walked in and took my test.

As I was leaving got a call

from a very depressed William. It seemed his parents were still none too happy about his tendency towards the forbidden vice, namely men. He came out to them accidentally in the email he wrote to his friend in the U.S. via his school's network server three weeks earlier, in which he informed his friend (and, unbeknownst to him, the school's Network Administrator) that that weekend at a gloriously debauched teen party in Carlaslton he and his latest boyfriend had tried cocaine before proceeding to have sex in every room in the house followed by the
garden.

William's parents were promptly summoned to the school by the disapproving headmaster who provided them with print-outs of the offending e-mail, and who then proceeded to inform them that their only-son-and-heir was a gay cocaine abuser.

Now; William's father is a Corporate Lawyer of some repute in the city, and believe me when I say that he is not the kind of man to preach about the occasional snort of cocaine, however, the unexpected revelation that their adored son was gay was a bombshell. Ashen-faced and in ominous silence his parents had driven William home for the predictable over-long lecture

which seemed to be all about what THEIR friends would think of THEM. In all of this there was not a single word of understanding or empathy for
William. All they seemed to care about was saving face at the golf club.

So I agreed to meet him William town and made my way to The Pacific. I arrived to find James was
already there, glumly nursing a latté and looking sorry for himself. I went to the bar and came back with couple of bottles of WKD. Whatever was up, I somehow didn’t think coffee was going to soothe the way. I sat down and pushed a bottle towards James.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I think I have a boyfriend with light fingers” he said glumly.
I must explain here that James is hardly known as “Sir Spend-allot” by those who know him. Though he earns close to a six-figure salary, James had been taught from and early age the value of money and the need to always think of the future, and you could guarantee that every penny in James’ life was always accounted for.

Sadly it seemed that Paulo, his new Italian Adonis of a boyfriend was proving to be little more than a “Magpie dressed as Salami”. It seems that cash was going missing from his wallet on a regular basis, and two very expensive hand-made suits had vanished from his wardrobe. The final straw had come when the Tag Heur watch his father had given him for his twenty-first birthday had gone missing from the bedside cabinet. in short Paulo was a burgler

There had been an angry confrontation during which

the work-shy Paulo had shrieked that “money was to be enjoyed, like life, and not hoarded like a miser who thinks he can take it with him when he dies, and

anyway, your shitty English suits are like rags compared to Italian suits. Italian suits are bellisimo. The woman in the shop only gave me two hundred pounds for them. They were shit. You should thank me for getting rid of them”

Choking back the very strong urge to say “I told you so”, I leaned forwards and put my hands

on his over the table, and gave my best impression of a counsellor:

“When Richard first met John” I said “John was always taking things”

James smiled a weak smile. I couldn't tell him that back then Richard was a fierc

ely ambitious fashion journalist, and every party the glamorous couple went to was not a "grab it and run" affair but a Âgrab it-and-walk-slowly-because-nobody-cares affair. More over that is exactly what Richard had done with John (the Grab it-n-run bit)

Back then John was a much sought-after fashion model, but the couple had let their heady lifestyle go to their waistlines and although Richard was now overweight John, the Face of

"Bulging Jeans and Casual wear" found his modelling days were a definite “No-No” Weight watchers had the “Before” photo but John right now was No where near the “After”

Just as I looked up Richard walked in, in his Armani pinstripe suit,

looking extremely vexed, and very, very wet.

"Don’t ask” he said and glared
at us “Just don’t”

So of course we didn’t.

James got up and bought another couple of WKDs for us and a large brandy for Richard, who peeled off his jacket and hung it over the back of his chair.
Seconds later William bounced in, full of his sickening 17-year-old’s energy.

“Hello Richard” he said “God! You‘re soaking wet!”

“No? Am I?” sneered Richard.

"What are your Parents going to do?" I asked immediately.

"About what?" asked James.

William told them the story and you could see their mouths drop to table length…

“How could you be so stupid“ I stopped James. from digging any further “He has had the Third

Degree from me all week,” I explained William looked very tired and took a deep sigh “I may not be accepted at Oxford,” he said “Oh no” I said Apparently his parents decided to punish William for being Gay. I MEAN for taking cocaine (his mother had made sure his fathers stash was well hidden) His father had said they would make sure he withdrew his application to the aforementioned University. Now, I know that they can't do that, but William was too stressed to see that they were just trying to make him feel as guilty as possible.

Nothing more was said on the subject as I sent William a very quick text message under the table saying that I would meet him the next day and talk about it in more detail. Lloyd could talk to William too. William held the utmost respect for my boyfriend and why not?

“You really are soaking” James said suddenly to Richard. Richard turned to James

You don’t say,” He said sarcastically.

“What happened, Richard?”

“Ask me no lies and I’ll tell you no secrets”

“I think you’ll find it’s ‘ask me no secrets and I’ll tell you no lies’” I said smugly
The was it, it all unravelled like a popped golf ball:

That afternoon Richard was invited to a high-profile "Chariddy" event. It appeared he still had some professional weight, even in the fashion business. So He rang John at home and told him to meet him at Kettners in a couple of hours as they were off to a Fashion party.

“It’s a swish do” said Richard into his cell phone “So look good” Well… looking good used to be John’s forte, but he wasn’t exactly in the right shape for that anymore. With his typical flair for making poor judgements when it came to his current physical dimensions, somehow John had managed to squeeze his 38” waist into a 28” pair of Lycra sequined trousers. He then applied

glitter dust to his face and hair, and then proceeded to dig out a bright yellow silk shirt – a shirt Richard could have sworn he had sacrificed for the good of mankind six years ago.

At the event of the year:

People stopped in mid conversation, waiters stopped in mid-wait and champagne corks stopped in mid-pop. There, on the staircase glistening and shining like a wobbling, overzealous budgerigar that had flown straight out of a 1970’s Disco flick… was John, teetering down the stairs. It seemed everyone but John knew his days of lanky, twig-like modelling were over. There proceeded back at the house a fight that I got to hear about later….

“What about you?” said Richard? I wanted to watch a movie with you over the phone and you said you were too busy. “What did you get up to?” I paused and looked around the table

“I am HIV…

…I paused, not finishing the sentence, It’s funny If this had been a book Whilst I was sitting outside that clinic I couldn’t have waited to turn the page, as it was this was NOT a book and as I sat outside that clinic waiting for my number to come up I wanted to give my measure of time to someone else, To let them do with it what they wanted, Turn it into a party hat, swallow it up

whole or just chuck it away

But as you have found out, since you stated reading this column

TIME is constant

and it just doesn’t stop. Not For me out side that clinic, not for Richard as He saw his Boyfriend at the top of those stairs, a vision in glitter, Not for William as he was summoned to the headmasters study only to be greeted by his parents and THAT email, and not for James when he discovered his Boyfriend had sticky fingers

That afternoon I had made my way back to the

councillors office, I sat in the orange cushiony councillors chair (why are they always orange?) and I was told I was negative.
From nowhere came a force 10 Tsunami that hit upon me from all sides. It was the force of relief I wanted to cry Two extreme emotions at once …My body just couldn’t handle it and it shut down, I just said
”tha…that’s great news” as if I had no doubt in my mind that it would be otherwise. Little did the councillor know I had VERY strong suspicions, and good reason to believe otherwise?

I am “HIV negative“I continued at the table

“Oh good”

“That’s good news”

“Great”

Yes it was, and yes I was very lucky.

To conclude. Yes we may all be getting older, and Yes some of us don’t want to admit or accept it, and all the time we are also maturing, but that is what makes us WHO we are its our OWN personal make up, and time whether we like it or not is here to stay. John found that out at the Top of the stairs at Ketners and William like the rest of us will find out… only too late.

But as I walked home three miles because I hadn’t got enough money for bus fare and I fell
asleep in the big leather chair time does what it does best All over the world, all the time, when we are asleep. Concussed or even in a coma; time really does work wonders, and heal the only sad thing is, we are never awake to witness it.

MORE LATER